.37 week appt.

just got back from dr g's office for my 37 week appt. just love her. she wanted to be SURE he was head down so she brought in the lovely ultrasound machine. it was nice to see our little guy again. we got to see his little face for the first time (at the 20 week ultrasound his hands were mostly covering his face). i think he has cameron's smushy lips and a button nose kinda like mine. we'll see if that's true soon enough! anyway, today was my first internal exam and i was pleasantly surprised that instead of being totally closed up...i was dilated to 2.5 and 70-80% effaced. i'm trying not to get too excited, because i know you can hang out like that for weeks and weeks, but dr g felt pretty confident that i won't make it to my due date. that's pretty exciting. also, she said that since i have already shown that i can make progress, she wouldn't mind inducing me a few days early or at least stripping my membranes! yay! now for flex pay purposes, i really really don't want him to come this year! we put lots of money on our flex pay for 2011, just to pay for the delivery, so if he comes this year, that money will have to be used for something else (maybe lasix for me??) anyway, anytime after january 1st at 12:01am is fine, but not this year, ha ha. in all seriousness though, we'll take him whenever he's ready :) and it would be super fun for whit to be here to meet him :) only a couple weeks!

.holy 38 days.

yup, you read it correctly...that's just over 30 days, folks. 38 days (or hopefully less) until we meet our little dude. isn't it so crazy...maybe i'm the only one who thinks it's crazy close. now that it's so close to being over, i'm not so sure i want to be done being pregnant...yeah, it's mostly uncomfortable, but it's pretty amazing too. i probably complain a lot, to cameron, but really it's been amazing to see the changes and the feel the life of another human inside me. does my back kill all the time, yes. do my feet and ankles look like redwood trees, yes. do i feel like an elephant is sitting on my lungs, yes. and did i actually have sweat beading up on my forehead while teaching yw today, yes... but is it 100% worth it? absolutely, and i haven't even had the chance to fall in love with his little face yet. i can't imagine how that must feel to see and hold your little one for the first time. i'm sure people that read this (if anyone still does) have been there, but i think it's something you have to feel for yourself. it has to be something unforgettable and probably takes your breath away. i'm kind of tired of trying to imagine how it will feel, and just want it to be here! ugh. but i'm soaking up my last few weeks :) according to all the websites and my books, our little one weighs a little more than 5 pounds and can come really at any time...but don't worry, that's not happening because his head is still SO high and his feets are kickin' away at my ribs...ouch. anyway, haven't had a dr appt for 3 weeks so not much to report there, but we're still just hangin' out and waiting to meet our baby. 38 days left!

.30 weeks.

oh my gosh.. the time is flying now. it seems like just yesterday i was 20 weeks and finding out that our peanut is a little boy! and now, we're only 10 weeks away from meeting our little guy. that's nuts. i really don't have much to say about it other than i hope the next 2 months go by quick. i can't wait to meet him.. the anxiety of waiting is killing us. i'm officially huge now. i was dreading the day when the drs i work with started to notice...isn't it just so awkward knowing they notice, but they don't know for sure if i am or not, so they don't ask, but you know they want to? it's funny, when the drs are giving me report on my patient, they basically are glacing down every few words to check it out.. i finally just started saying, yeah, it's a belly, and i'm having a boy :) i think after that, we're both relieved. ha ha. the back aches are pretty bad.. i can't sleep at all. sometimes i even have to hang my upper half over the side of the bed to stretch it all out..crazy. it's pretty amazing how our bodies just mold to where the baby needs it to for them to grow. it sure is a miracle... now let's just pray for a miracle that it'll all go back where it started.. fat chance. so i'm pretty sure we're now mostly ready for him to come. nursery is done, bassinet is up, and carseat is waiting. i think we're just a little anxious, what do you think?? here's to 30 weeks down, 10 to go!

.wow, 24 weeks.

so this post is slightly premature.. but this week marks viability. not saying if i were to go into labor that this little boy would survive, but there's a chance and that's a slight sigh of relief. and believe me, i'm not asking for a micro-premie. that would be tough! but i guess i'm just trying to say that i'm so grateful to have made it this far, and feeling as good as i do. i've been feeling a little sad lately because i just don't feel "connected" to this little guy yet? is that bad? i mean i love feeling him and i talk to him and i just try and envision the day that cameron and i get to meet him. i hope it is still my insane coping mechanism that infertility taught me.. thanks, infertility...i really appreciate it. anyway, i'm not a worrier and people always tell me, "just wait til you see his little face, you'll melt" and i have NO doubt that those words are true. i'm still very excited and i've had some wonderful moments, just me and him, where he's tossin' and turnin' and i have to laugh. it's so weird and beautiful at the same time. i think my mom is slightly bummed that she hasn't felt him, but i have an anterior placenta that makes the little movements hard to feel from the outside.. but cameron has seen him in there rollin' around.. he's in awe. i have to hand it to my husband. he's great and so excited for this baby. sometimes i wonder if he's more prepared than me.? he's great. i know he'll have such a stellar relationship with our little guy, one i'll most likely to be jealous of. well for stats purposes, i have felt the little one kick most of the time..he definately doesn't sleep more than he's awake, in my opinion. he's over a pound now and probably cute as can be. people are still pretty shocked that i'm 24 weeks almost...because i just haven't "popped" yet. i know it's comin'. i've been pretty lucky that i don't have to really worry about what i eat...i just eat when i feel like it. works pretty good. i see my ob on wednesday and i'm hoping she's ok with my 6 lb weight gain... we'll see. i seriously couldn't eat more or better if i tried. i get so full, so fast! i probably drink a gallon of milk every day or so. so as far as belly pics.. there aren't too many yet. we took some at the u of u game last sat but i look pudgy, not pregnant. i'll see if i can post one soon.. because i'm not sure if this will be my one and only pregnancy? i would be so sad if it were, but we feel very strongly about adoption still.. we'll see. happy 24 weeks to us.

.the name.

so i'm not usually a fan of asking people's opinions about baby names, mostly because it's the parents and the kiddo that have to live with the name, so it really shouldn't matter what other people think. but i'm going to put some of the names we like out there, some only i like, and some only cameron likes, and just see what you think. ultimately we'll be deciding together and this blog will have no influence...but just for kicks??

-gunner
-crew
-bauer
-griffin
-wyatt
-greyson

so we obviously don't really go for the popular names, can you tell? what do you like. we're pretty sure the middle name will be cameron, but it has to flow with the OWENS last name. :) have fun giving us your input.

.photo.

.our little boy.

2o weeks

.20w0d.

so i wasn't able to post much last week and i wanted to write about the BIG ultrasound. i've heard ladies talk about it and you think you know what to expect going into it, but cameron and i were both pretty awe-struck with how great it was. it truly is a miracle all those little cells, that began as two single cells, all know where to go and what parts to create. seriously, amazing. i remember taking an embryonolgy class at the U and feeling the same way, but it's so incredible when it's YOUR two cells that it starts from. anyway, the ultrasound was great, the girl that did it was so nice, telling us all about each image she recorded. the images were so wonderful. to see those 4 chambers in the heart and the actual heart valves pumping away! WOW! and to see all the structures of the brain, even the tiny ones, that produce the CSF...unbelievable. and of course, there was no mistaking the gender.. loud and proud, he is very boyish! anyway, you get the gist. we were so glad to hear all the great news that our IVF/ICSI baby is (mostly likely) not going to have anything wrong with him.. he's such a little miracle and we couldn't be more happy to meet him. i have had some panicky moments (which is NOT like me) where i feel like he's not going to be cute or something...normal, right? it's so weird being a worry wart...because it's SO NOT like me. i really couldn't do that full time, it's exhausting. it has been pretty amazing feeling those little bubble-like feelings in my tummy..a little reassurance that he's still there. it's kind of nice having a little buddy 24/7 to talk to. i'm sure his little ears are already bleeding from me jabbing away all the time :) love you, little one.

.thrilled.

wow, what an amazing experience to see the little man's parts...
he looks healthy, good heart, good brain, good boyish parts...
we couldn't be more thrilled
can't wait to meet you, little guy

.16w1d.

well things are still moving right along. i had an appt with dr. g yesterday and luckily my mom wanted to come, since cameron had a meeting at work. my mom, like me, had also been anti-female-dr before, but she, like me, absolutely loved her! i was just as impressed with her seeing her yesterday as the first day we met. i was worried that she was going to scold me for not gaining any weight, but she really didn't even care as long as i was getting my 64 oz of water each day. i actually lost a pound and told her my appetite just sucks. and she said, don't worry about it, you'll get it back. good news. i am almost 100% sure we're having a boy. i even saw what he looks like in my dream...i know, i know, dreams aren't real, but this was borderline revelation, ha ha. anyway, he's cute and he has a little dark hair?? we'll see. i scheduled my ultrasound for august 24th so i guess we'll know then. other than that, everything looks perfect still.. no spotting and the heartrate measured 148... still great. as far as how i feel...still crappy some days, others, pretty good. still not complaining though.. it's all worth it. can't wait to meet the little guy (or girl, if i'm totally wrong), but i hope not before christmas is over.

.round ligaments, ugh.

maybe it's a little early to be having such dramatic symptoms, but geez.. they weren't kidding about that round ligament pain. i can't even cough without having to crouch over. i can totally feel them just stretching away.. or so i think. i'm still fitting fine into my normal clothes, which i find a little weird, since i'm into my 2nd trimester? but i'm not going to complain. i'm sure the belly will come. i also haven't gained a pound.? once again, not complaining, but i really eat well (ha ha) and didn't throw up much in the 1st trimester..so i'm hoping dr. g is ok with that. of course i'm going to question every little thing since it is my first and don't have a clue what being pregnant is like. i still find it SO WEIRD that i have NO proof of being pregnant...no real belly, can't feel kicks yet, and now i feel much better than before, so it really baffles me. if it weren't for that handy dandy doppler at work (oh, and maybe those ligament pains), i wouldn't believe it was true. anyway, i have my 16w appt in 2 weeks and i'm excited to see what dr. g says. can't wait to see her again.

.must have turned the corner.

so mostly this blog will document how this pregnancy goes, for my reference later, i'm sure no one really wants to read about it on my "main family blog." so if you're an infertile sister like me, i know it can hurt to read about this stuff... just a heads up. anyway, i always used to get SO UPSET listening to those who complained about being sick when they're pregnant. so, i vowed to NEVER do it, if i got sick. and i hope i've done a good job, i know Cameron would say i've complained a little (or a lot), but i hope i never did outside of my house, cause that is SO annoying! anyway, i was sick, not bad, but enough to make the days kinda rough. i tried to hide it because i'm really so grateful to at least be able to be sick...which means i'm still pregnant. thank goodness that first trimester is pretty much over. i'll do it over and over if it brings me a bundle of joy each time.. but i'm also very grateful that the past 5 days i've felt significantly more like myself, energy has returned..and trips to the bathroom have become much less frequent, and not to mention, i can actually eat almost anything, not just mac and cheese and crackers. that will certainly make summer vacations easier to pack for. i'm sure i'll still have those "bad, icky days," but i'm grateful i can get back to normal, making dinner, helping in the yard, and meeting friends for lunch. it's crazy how at 12 weeks you really do "turn the corner."

.11w2d.

so we had our first ob appt yesterday, so i'm FINALLY released from my reproductive endocrinologist...which also means...NO MORE SHOTs, MEDs, or SUPPOSITORIEs! i never thought that would happen! i think now they refer to me as a normal patient. thank goodness. anyway, i switched drs from my original ob because i'd heard such great things about this practice. i was SO against a girl dr, but we were so pleasantly surprised by dr. gravelle. she was AMAZING! so personal, did not make us feel rushed, answered all our questions, and even did an ultrasound even though we just had one a week ago. we saw our little peanut again, and cam was even able to see it's hands covering it's face. i was sideways and couldn't really tell anything from something, but it was so cute to see it bouncing and flipping around. everything looks so good and i'm actually measuring 3 days ahead... so i'm almost 12 weeks! i'm feeling pretty good, most days. i get to go back to see dr. gravelle in 4 weeks and can't wait to see her again. oh, and the best part, she's pregnant too, and due in september, so she'll be back in the office before i deliver. sweet. so fun. we're so excited, now..finally.

.8w6d.

this photo is from our 8w6d ultrasound. can't see much, but we did hear a heartbeat (168 bpm). smile. this little peanut was movin' around like crazy, doin' all sorts of gymnastic moves. still on track, and it feels pretty good.

.i heart dopplers.

so one of the many advantages of working at a hospital is that we have a doppler machine right in pacu. and of course...i thought it was WAY too early to detect a heartbeat on doppler being only 8w4d. well, as work kinda slowed down tonight, i thought, hmmm, it doesn't hurt to try? well, after about 10 mins of searching i found our little peanut's heart rate. a good old 177. nice and strong. just to make sure i wasn't imagining it, i found it several times. (at 8w it really is tough to find) but i did it. and i'm so happy! i wish cameron were here. i can't wait to tell him in the morning when he wakes up! never thought that pacu doppler would bring so much peace and reassurance. ahhh.

.raspberry.

looks like summer must be here, time to bring on the raspberries!

Your baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

.just one.

so we had our first ultrasound last thursday. we found two sacs, but only one had a little heartbeat in it. so, we're having one little peanut, just like we hoped. the baby measured 7w0d, which was exactly what i was...and a heartbeat of 128.. i thought after that we'd be able to believe it, but it's still hard to be excited. i'll be 8 weeks tomorrow and i'm hoping it sets in soon. i have felt pretty crappy this past week. lots of queasiness, but nothing too bad. it's kinda reassuring. we have pictures, but i haven't scanned them yet. i will soon.

.lookin' good.

geez, i'm so spoiled because as i was making my ultrasound appt with my new dr.. the nurse said they didn't want to do an ultrasound unless they were sure my hcg was > 1500... duh, it probably was last week, but therefore, i got to have another blood test. today's wonderful number that they wanted to see > 6000 was :

13697 !!



still not sure if there are two in there? probably not, because they are just doubling every 2 days..but we'll take anything we can get!

.symptoms?.

well, not here. i think it's the weirdest thing that when you ARE in fact pregnant, that you can feel so NOT pregnant. i know it's still so early, but geez.. it would be slighlty reassuring to have SOMETHING feel different. anyway, cam and i still can't believe it..and we really don't believe it still. that first ultrasound cannot come fast enough. i keep having bad dreams that the ultrasound will show a sac, but no heartbeat...i'm hoping those are just dreams.. and not how this journey will go. it will be nice to just get through these next 2 weeks and then we'll be able to relax at the pool in st. george for memorial day. i guess i'll just keep feeling normal.

.beta #4. (yes, i'm obsessive)

i think dr. f is probably so annoyed with my ocd with betas. he's so nice, though, and let's me get them when i want. so i had another one today. just to put my mind at ease... results are in..

today's number:

771



and the spotting is mia today, thank goodness.!

.beta #3.

so, my dr. was so happy with the last beta that he didn't have me scheduled for one til May 12th. well, yesterday morning i started spotting and i called and had him order one, just for my peace of mind. here's how it went..

today's number:

333




not really sure what to think still, since i'm still spotting, but dr. f is not concerned...so i guess i'll try not to be either. not having another beta til wednesday. so we'll see. still can't get too excited, but those numbers really do look high? right?

.beta #2.

ok, so we've already surpassed our beta numbers from last cycle..! todays number:

150

it's still hard to celebrate, but that's a good strong number, even for twinners. so i'll be waiting for dr. f to call to see if he wants one more beta or we can just schedule an ultrasound in 2 weeks. my guess is he'll want another beta. so we're getting closer by the day :) here's where our numbers sit for a normal single pregnancy...pretty high!



and i really love this chart that shows hcg numbers and how they correlate to viable pregnancies.

Figure 3. Probability of various pregnancy outcomes according to deciles of serum hCG
concentration 12 days after embryo transfer. (my hcg at this time was 333)!

.beta #1.

beta #1 numbers are in..

:drumroll:

52.

holy crap, i'm pregnant.

at this time last cycle my beta was only 5..so maybe twins?

well, we're not holding our breath just yet..not til we see a heartbeat or two.

but we're happy for now.

and got GREAT news from dr. f today...we thought we'd have 2 to freeze and so when i talked to him today, i asked how those 2 froze and he said, "no, ash, we got to freeze 4.!" so i guess the last 2 that were lagging caught up and were frozen with our other 2. so we have four little frosties... can't wait to see what happens. and who knows, maybe some siblings with 1 cycle?

and, cause they're so pretty.

.ivf #4.

i can't even remember the last time i posted on this blog..i think i was pretty upset. well, surprise, we have just completed our 4th ivf cycle in las vegas with dr f. love that guy. so i know the details are usually boring for most people (and probably significantly over the head) but i have to document this for future reference. i always forget the fine detail after a few days. so here goes.

cycle meds.
yaz bcp 3 weeks
dexamethasone
folic acid
doxycyline
bromocriptine dropped from 2 a day to 1
lupron 10 units for 5 days, dropped to 5 for 2 days, then switch to ganirelix
ganirelix 0.25 ml til trigger day
follistim 600 for 2 days then drop to 375 for 6 days. total stim days = 8
luveris 1 vial every other day x3 days, then 2 vials the night before trigger

lmp april 8

april 18- drove to vegas with mom

april 19- first appt with dr. f-- about 12 follicles

april 20- scan and e2-- follicles grew a lot. largest follicle 19mm, total of 14

april 21- trigger shot 1030pm- 10000 units hcg

april 23- er, 13 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized normally! i know unreal compared to our first 3 cycles.

april 26- got a call from dr f. with a embryo update... so we have always just had 2 good ones on day three so we expected a day 3 tranfer again. well to our surprise on day 3 all 8 were still growing, 4 looking better than the other 4 and dr f. said we should go out to a day 5 transfer...CRAZY!

april 28- all 8 embryos still alive but only 4 worth transferring. so we picked the 2 best expanded blastocysts (grade 4AAs) to transfer and they have frozed the other 2, one of them being an expanded blast and the other one a nonexpanded blast. on the GES scale that SIRM uses, 0-100, our two that we transferred were 95s. the frozens are a 95 and an 85.

so all in all, this cycle is 100% better than all of our other cycles combined. so we're not totally banking that this will work, since poor egg quality could still play a role here, but dr. f was hopeful that at least one of these little guys will be viable. he even went on to say that he wouldn't be suprised if both were...these are the "best" that they transfer...i guess it can't get better than that. we're super thrilled because this is our LAST ivf cycle. yeah, if this doesn't work, we'll for sure do our frozen transfer, but this is the last fresh we'll ever do. we have been pursuing adoption...and we still think we'll do that too, down the road.

but i just want to send a shout out to dr f...he has done exactly what he said he wanted to do. last time we talked to him about what he'd do different in this cycle he said he wouldn't change my protocol (which surprised me) but just give me higher doses of fsh to make more eggs to choose from. and what happened? we got more embies to choose from and made it to day 5! i think he's really good at what he does. this experience was just as great as the last time and it's always nice to know what you're in for.. i love their office.

so right now i'm just on some bedrest and we'll keep this updated as the news rolls in.

here's us down in vegas...


and after cam and my dad flew home, it was just my mom and i at the transfer.. thanks mom. love you.

.wow, that sums it all up.

This was taken from an AMCAP convention and i specifically love the part about being LDS and infertile...an oxymoron in our culture. this kinda explains how we feel sometimes..minus the marital struggles of course.

Jayne E. Taylor:

A large portion of our lives as Latter-day Saints centers on reproduction, parenthood, and raising children.

When couples become aware that reproduction is delayed or unattainable, they enter a stage of emotional crisis--the crisis of infertility. The emotions include feelings of surprise, denial, frustration, anger, guilt, and typically isolation. Another initial reaction is the sense of helplessness and anger at losing control over one's life plan and body. This reaction is particularly true of people who are goal-oriented and people who need to have control over their lives. The feelings of one or both partners may negatively interfere with many areas of their marriage such as communication, sexual adjustment, and the whole quality of their life. A common fear for an infertile couple is that the fertile partner might abandon the infertile one, or worse, stay in the relationship resentfully. Some even make offers of divorce or say such provoking things as, "Well, if you had married someone else, you would have a family by now." The fertile partner may hide his or her disappointment and anger instead of dealing honestly with his or her feelings. Often we find that single people who know they are infertile will retreat from relationships or keep them superficial because they don't want this dreadful secret to be out. Married people may do the same.

Infertility can also reactivate unresolved past feelings of danger or loss. Sexuality can become extremely threatened. One Relief Society sister told an infertile woman, "You are not really a woman until you have borne a child."

The next phase following the initial shock centers on body image and self-worth. Feelings of worthlessness, defectiveness, and shame are common. People become preoccupied with the infertility workup, formulate theories about why this has happened to them, why they are defective, and why they are denied something that the rest of the world can take for granted. Barbara Manning, the past National Resolve president, said,


There's a sense of loneliness and isolation in infertility that defies description. The couple frequently feel they have no one to turn to, but each other. Family and friends are often reluctant to discuss such a personal and inherently sexual problem. If they do listen, they seem to answer with platitudes and misinformation born of generations of mythology and superstition. Somehow worthiness and pregnancy get conflated.


Because of these feelings of failure and inadequacy, it is hard for a couple to discuss this with anybody. Defense mechanisms are often set up to deal with family and friends. A man and a woman often feel damaged and defective. I have heard women describe themselves as feeling hollow or empty. One woman described herself as looking like Hiroshima after the bomb. Men describe themselves as castrated or talk about intercourse as shooting blanks.

These feelings of defectiveness go further. Many people comment that they cannot do anything right. One woman was unable to work on her doctoral dissertation; she said that her mind was sterile also. I had a very hard time going back for my master's degree until I had resolved some of my feelings about infertility. Somehow it affected my whole inner self. The monthly menstrual cycle is a terrible reminder and an enormous tension builds up towards the end of each cycle. Many women feel a deep depression verging on despair when menstruation begins. The intensity lessens over time, yet it is still always there as a reminder.

The next phase involves mourning the loss of the children a couple will never biologically have. This is a very difficult task because the loss is so vague. It is hard to define a potential. There are no funerals, no rituals to help the bereaved. It is an invisible process. I work in an intensive care unit with parents who lose children. For the most part, they have a lot of support systems--family actually present, support from family members not physically present, people who work with them, support groups, and a funeral helps them through the grief process. But people who are infertile may have no one to talk to.

The final step is that of resolution. The couple must now redefine their sexuality so that procreation is not a central point and work at regaining a healthy self-image.

Conclusive knowledge can help people who know there is absolutely no chance of ever becoming pregnant. They can close the chapter, go through the grief process, and continue with their lives. One woman I talked to recently had had a hysterectomy after years of trying to become pregnant. She was surprised at the relief she felt knowing that she couldn't become pregnant. There are many cases of infertile women who have had tubal legations just so they can't get pregnant.

The couple must assess their inner resources and decide what they are going to do in the absence of biological children. Sometimes this has to become a joint decision on which they can both agree, or the relationship will not last--or if it does, it will be unhappy. If you continue to have faith, does that mean you continue to go to the doctors?

The nonresolution of infertility can be a leading cause of failure in adoptive placements. Adoption may symbolize one's inadequacy in reproduction, and the presence of the child will actually be seen as a narcissistic injury for a couple who has not worked through that infertility. The point is, adoption does not cure infertility. Anecdotal evidence to the contrary, the statistics simply do not show that adoption cures infertility. Adoption and infertility are two different issues.

Failure to grieve is the most common block to resolution and the easiest to help. Every person has losses. We all have losses. It is very useful to give people permission to grieve. They must realize and acknowledge that a loss of great magnitude has taken place and that to grieve is normal. Also, grief runs a predictable course, and the pain does lessen as time goes on. A social support system to help is really important. I'd recommend the National Organization of Resolve (now RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association) which is very active in Utah. Also, the LDS Social Services (now LDS Family Services) here in Salt Lake can be a support system for people going through the adoption process.

In summary, the challenges to most infertile individuals/couples, and particularly those in the LDS culture, are very significant and far-reaching, in part due to many contributory cultural factors. Most people in the resolution of those challenges go through the steps of emotional crisis, mourning, and resolution. A social support system is very helpful in the successful resolution. As we remain mindful of these points, we can make a significant contribution to those suffering with infertility.

.just like my mom says.

if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is. and it was. i'm going to miscarry. had my blood levels checked again (cause i'm an annoying patient and begged the dr to let me have it done since i already needed to get my prolactin checked today). the level went from 96 on monday to 55 today. not good. really crappy. so therefore, i will have another one drawn friday to confirm that it's still going down and hopefully i'll miscarry on my own so i don't have to have a d&c. anyway, sorry we told you all, and now we have to be party-poopers. it just wasn't meant to be..so, when IS is meant to be? that's something i certainly wish i knew. thanks for all the well wishes and hopefully after we do it again in may we'll have some better news.

sidenote: so i had my prolactin checked again (ive been on medication for elevated prolactin since april 2009) and even with the drugs my levels have tripled! ugh. i do know that elevated prolactin can lead to miscarriage. great. and dr. f is so concerned about it that he wants me to have an mri next week to rule out a pituitary tumor. he can't think of any other reason it would go UP if i was on meds for it...other than a tumor. great news. thanks. i guess we'll go from there. maybe that really is the reason we've had such a hard time?

.beta scare.

and we're still scared. i swear i jinxed ourselves when i posted that yesterday. so i had another blood test done monday morning, march 1. we were really hoping for a number of 150 or so. i was crushed when cameron told me it was only 96. so now, we're in beta hell. dr fisch called and was actually optimistic as our last 2 betas rose more than the expected 66% in 48 hours and he said sometimes you just get a bad day or bad hour and that he expects that we'll go on to have a normal pregnancy. he did not rule out miscarriage..but he did seem hopeful this was just a fluke. with ivf, knowing that you had more than one embryo transferred, it is likely that you could implant both and one dies off, thus causing the beta numbers to plateau for a day or two, but with our inital low numbers, that seem somewhat far-fetched. i was pretty heart-broken this morning, but after going about the day i'm hopeful, yet realistic. dr. fisch would like me to repeat the blood test next tuesday! a WHOLE WEEK away! agh. anyway, i guess i'll just keep peeing on those tests to make sure it's not going down..

hang in there, little guy.. we just wanna meet you. love, mom and dad.

.yup, it worked.

so you all know that i found out this past week if our 3rd ivf worked or not, and pending notification of close family members i have yet to post. well, i'm pregnant. we're both in complete shock and VERY pleasantly surprised. we really thought we'd be going to las vegas to fine tune our drug protocol. well, so far, we'll not be going to vegas again for a few years.. :)

anyway, i had so many dreams and ideas of how i would tell our friends and family that we were expecting, but so far, it's been too scary to actually believe that it is true, or will stay true. we're all just cautiously optimistic. my first ultrasound will be on march 10th.

so here's the story how we found out.
tuesday february 22 i had my first blood test at 8dp3dt (8 days past 3 day transfer).
it was only 5. some clinics call a 5 "not pregnant" but my dr. called and said i was.
we were ecstatic, but knew it could most definately go down and be deemed a chemical pregnancy. therefore we lied to all of our family and told them it was negative to buy us some time to get another blood test. so i waited for thursday, february 25 for the 2nd beta. it came out to 26. the number is supposed to double every 48 hours and ours more than doubled which helped reassure me that we were on track. 26 for 10dp3dt is still really low, even for a singleton, but i was happy. went back to the lab saturday, february 27, and got a number of 69...still positive and rising appropriately. so finally we can take a deep breath and celebrate a little.. as far as beta hcg numbers go, i'm just now up to the "average" range for a singleton. and i'm happy being there. we have one more blood test tomorrow that will help my dr feel good about releasing me to my ob/gyn as long as the first ultrasound shows a heartbeat. that's the next big hurdle..the heartbeat!

anyway, we are so very excited to welcome a little bundle of joy into our home, it has been a very long time coming and can't wait to see how the first few months go. we know we're not out of the woods yet, but are getting pretty comfortable with using the word, pregnant. and it doesn't hurt to hear congrats, either, just helps us to realize it just may be happening.

here is a picture of one of my MANY hpts. this was done on 14 dpo, or 11dp3dt..never seen that before, two beautiful pink lines :)

.i'm surprised.

uterus: please make room for 2 little eggs. thank you.
i'm surprised how content i am, that is. usually about this time i try and google every little thing about the 2ww. i usually hate everything about waiting. i usually start to lose all hope by now. but, surprisingly, i'm content. happy, even. i don't know if that's heavenly father wrapping his arms around me, or if i really just "don't care" since we have paid to try 2 more times with dr. f. what do you think? i really just like being where i am right now...technically pregnant with twins. i'm not emotionally tied to these two..yet.. but i have been found to talk to them. didn't do that the last two cycles. i don't name them.. i don't think much about them. other than hope that they find a quaint little smushy spot in my endometrial lining. i've been thinking a lot about cameron lately. i feel bad for the poor guy. first off, no hanky panky since before vegas...ok that was like, feb. 6! and other than his date with the super well-equip pleasure room a couple weeks ago, dr said i'm off limits (well my jj) til my 2nd negative beta OR my SECOND ob appt! do you know when that would be!?!? like 5-6 more weeks! poor, poor dude. i've got to do something about that. anyway, cameron, if you read this, so sorry. i really do feel bad. i can't be a very good wife right now.

anyhow.

i'm thankful to all y'all who've kept in touch. i really am grateful. first beta will be on tuesday (in 2 days!) and the 2nd will be thursday. my clinic does their first WAY early and usually doesn't call with results til after the 2nd. but luckily..i work at IHC and can look up my labs..so i'll know. it will be low and won't really say much, other than for sure negative. happy dreams everyone...i'm off to bed.

.not so great news.

about 15 minutes after posting yesterday, i got a call from dr. fisch. he sounded all chipper and i was hoping for good news. well, i was wrong... he said that of the 10 only 4 were mature. great. and of those 4, 3 had fertilized with ICSI. i guess that pretty good rates if you don't count the immature eggs, but really?? only 3. anyway our hope for a day 5 transfer has gone out the window and we'll be having our ET tomorrow. hopefully of those 3, 2 will be of good quality, although my optimism has been shattered on more than one occasion with this shitty process. yes, i said shitty. thanks for listening.

.so far.

well, i'm down here in las vegas with cameron and my mom. it's been really relaxing and quite fun. dr. fisch is pretty good..he's a little strange..but i know he is a phenomenal dr, so i'm putting our fate in his hands. i had my first monitoring appt with him feb. 8, on day 6 of stims. my e2 was 667 and i had about 7 follicles that looked like they would be ready. i kinda thought i'd have more, but i asked him about it and he says he only likes to get between 8 and 12 because then they all have more of a chance to be mature and good quality. the next 2 days, feb 9 and 10, had 2 more appts and the results were pretty much the same. about 8 or 9 follicles. got the go ahead to trigger on the night of the 10th...2 days faster than being on the long lupron cycles..so that was good. i only had to stim for 8 days. that was fabulous. yesterday, feb 12, was our egg retrieval. it went just as well as it could. i can't tell you how much i LOVE anesthesia. the iv sedation was great and i woke up in the recovery area with my honey by my side. last time cameron wasn't allowed in recovery and that sucked. i woke up really fast, no cramps really, and went back to the condo for a small nap. they retrieved 10 eggs. and now i'm just waiting to hear from dr. fisch to see how many fertilize. i'm not too optimistic, because last time we had 9 and only 6 fertilized with icsi. but if we get 6 or 7..i'll be thrilled. anyway, i just wanted to write real quick so i don't forget how things went. can't wait to hear from the office. ahhhh.!

EMET testing?? should we?

so i need your opinion. we are obviously headed to vegas to ivf again and this time we feel like we're going to try everything to optimize success because we know we're not an easy case. so we just sat down to fill out our consent forms (which are about 40 pages long and have to be notarized...so all you guys out there that just get pregnant on a whim...be grateful...this sucks). well, on the last page there is a consent to sign up for a certain test that pretty much only our clinic does (they founded it) and it helps to pick out the embryos that are most likely to produce viable pregnancies. here is a quick synopsis of the test from SIRM itself:

The Embryo Marker Expression Test (EMET)
By measuring the concentration of a genetic marker known as sHLA-G (soluble human leukocyte antigen-G), which is released into the media in which early embryos are growing after fertilization, it is now possible to identify those embryos most likely to produce a pregnancy. This Embryo Marker Expression Test (EMET) is performed 46 hours after the egg retrieval to identify EMET-positive, or “competent” embryos. It has been determined, based upon the performance of EMET in more than 500 women undergoing IVF at SIRM, that the transfer of even a single EMET-positive embryo in women under 39 (provided that they had normal uterine linings and, when needed, were treated for immunologic implantation problems) results in better than a 60% chance of a viable pregnancy. Comparable results in women 39-43 years was above 40% . The transfer of more than one EMET-positive embryo at a time resulted in a great increase in the multiple pregnancy rate without significantly improving the overall pregnancy rate.
We conclude that measurement of sHLA-G in the media surrounding 2-day-old embryos in order to select competent embryos allows for a reduction in the number of embryos transferred on day 3, thereby minimizing the risk of high-order multiple pregnancies (triplets or greater) while optimizing IVF success.
This discovery is changing the way IVF is performed by bringing IVF practitioners much closer to the long-awaited objective of “one embryo, one healthy baby.”
Perhaps equally important is that now, by measuring sHLA-G (and perhaps similar molecular markers, as yet unidentified) produced by early embryos, we can establish a rational basis by which we can customize protocols used for ovarian stimulation to better meet the needs of separate categories of patients and so measurably improve egg/embryo quality and IVF success rates. Just as one size of any garment will not fit everyone, so no single regimen of ovarian stimulation is adequate for all patients. The use of biochemical and genetic markers of “embryo competency” such as sHLA-G could also provide researchers as well as the pharmaceutical industry with a method that would help in the development of new and more efficacious fertility drugs that produce fewer side effects with reduced risk to patients.
It is hoped that the proof that such advances can improve IVF outcome—and reduce risk as well as virtually eliminate high-order multiple pregnancies—will prompt health insurance companies to revisit the issue of universal infertility coverage. Until then, the size of the pocket book still determines the ability to go from infertility to family.
The above sections on GES, blastocyst transfer, and EMET provide an overview of the means by which the embryos most likely to implant are selected and nurtured at SIRM. How these elements are mixed and matched varies according to individual circumstances. Although it is not possible to generalize how they would be used, the following situations are examples of what might occur before embryo transfer. In the case of embryos scoring 70 or higher, we might advise culturing them to blastocyst stage; but at other times we would add one or two poorer-scoring embryos to a 70+ one and transfer on day 3 post-egg retrieval. If there are only a few embryos and all score below 70, we might transfer several at once in the hope that one might implant; but if there are many embryos scoring below 70, we might culture them 2 to 3 days longer to test if they will go to blastocyst stage. Presently EMET is available to all women doing IVF at SIRM. EMET, once requested by a woman/couple, is performed on all divided embryos on day 2 (i.e., one day prior to establishing the final GES score and transferring embryos). Thus, the EMET result influences which embryos are chosen, usually overriding the GES parameters. Each case must be evaluated individually. This is an example how a merger of the “art” and the “science” of IVF can profoundly benefit the woman and her partner.

so if you had time to read all that. would you do it.?? it's not a test that is used by most RE's but it sounds so good, and the best part...it's only $420 to do and has no real detrimental effect on the embies. but sometimes if it sounds too good to be true, then i usually is. what do you think???