.let's talk about shots.

so with ivf you have to do tons of shots..big surprise, right? well, i have yet again, began doing these shots and after a whole cycle last month of doing this you would think i'd be "used" to it... nope. last night (my first one) i sat with the needle facing my belly for about 3 minutes before i got up the courage to stab it in. i can't believe how easy it is to do to other people..like my patients, but when it comes to me..i'm a baby. i'm not complaining at all, and don't need sympathy, it's just a realization to me, that maybe my patients hate it too. i'm excited to go to my baseline ultrasound next week...hopefully i'll have lots of follicles!

.here we go again.

okay, so since everyone kinda knows that we had one failed ivf cycle...i thought i'd be a little more open about this one and can document how things go. so we're going to los angeles to have our 2nd attempt at ivf with dr. marrs. i just really love him and didn't want to go to another dr here in salt lake, and i know his office is SO successful and he already knows why the 1st one didn't work. anyway, we're leaving on November 10th and will be coming home November 19th. i think i'm going to post a tentative cycle schedule here, just to keep track for myself...and if you're reading this and having ivf struggles, we can talk about it...

10/13 start birth control
10/23 start lupron injections 10 units
10/29 stop birth control
11/1 begin period (hopefully)
11/2 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork (i only had 9 antral follicles for our last failed
cycle, this time i have 12+..so that's promising)
11/4 start stimulation injections.. Bravell 225 units :: Menopur 75 units; drop lupron to 5
11/9 ultrasound and bloodwork monitoring
11/12 first appt with dr. marrs in california, ultrasound and bloodwork
11/16 tentative egg retrieval
11/18 tentative embryo transfer
11/30 first beta

.the 5 stages of finding out you're not pregnant..again.

This is just about the truest and funniest blog entry I've ever read and it truly is like the 5 stages of grieving.: http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/2009/09/885-five-stages-of-finding-out-youre.html

Similar to the five stages of death/grieving, when you find out you're not pregnant you find yourself going through a similar state of mind.

Stage one: Denial. No, this can't be my period. It looks too light. It could still be implantation bleeding. The blood on the tampon looks too brown. I'll just wait until the end of the day to take a pregnancy test. If the pregnancy test is negative, it could mean that I tested too early. I don't have cramps this month and it doesn't "feel" like my period. I could still be pregnant.

Stage two: Anger. Well, I'm not pregnant again! Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever get pregnant? I hate all those pregnant women on Facebook. Why do they keep posting pictures of their belly's? Who wants to see pictures of their babies anyways? There are pregnant women everywhere. How do they get pregnant so easily? Must be nice to be so fertile.

Stage three: Bargaining. Please God. Give me a child. I will do anything. I promise I will lose weight and eat healthy if I can just get pregnant next month. Sperms - please implant. Just swim upstream as fast as you can. Follicles - please grow and multiply. I promise not to drink coke tomorrow and I'll be the best mother ever. Doctor - please don't cancel my cycle, I'm okay with having 8 babies.

Stage four: Depression. WHY ME??? I feel like my heart is going to ache forever and my eyes hurt from crying so much. There is a lump in my chest. I am going to sleep all day in bed because what's the point of getting up anyway? Why is the pregnancy test always negative? How come everyone else can get pregnant but me? I feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand how awful it feels. (even though my hubby does, he's been great)

Stage five: Acceptance. Well. I guess it's really my period. I guess that negative pregnancy test really is correct. I'm not pregnant this month. I know it seemed like it was implantation spotting but it's really my period. Time to tell my spouse that I'm not pregnant.You might think finding out you're not pregnant again is bad but don't expect sympathy from the dying man beside you. He's got his own problems.

is anyone else out there laughing... i am, only because its all TOO true..