.why.

ok, i hope not a lot of people read this, but i need to put down a few thoughts before i forget (or go crazy). first of all, i'm angry. i don't know why i have to be so punished. doing ivf was my last hope and now that's all thrown away. i'm angry with the people that always said to me, "relax, it will happen when it's supposed to." what do they know? i'm sad for dr. richards. i could tell he feels like he failed me. i wish more people could understand. no one will ever understand. i'm alone. i am lucky in one aspect...my husband is amazing. he has not, for one day, not been on my side. he understands. and i love him for that. this trial has not been nearly as hard just because he is there. i cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that we will never, in a million years, be able to conceive a baby by ourselves. why? didn't heavenly father create our bodies to do this? isn't this my divine calling on earth? isn't this what the proclamation to the family is all about? i'm so confused. as much as i know about science and advanced medicine, why on earth can't they KNOW, with certainty, what the problem is? where do we go from here?

for those that do want to know what's going on:
cameron and i did ivf this month and we just found out today (after many ups and downs during the cycle) that NONE of our nine eggs fertilized. yes, cameron's sperm is perfect.. yes, my eggs were all mature, yet we have NOTHING. it seems that the drs are somewhat baffled, although, they have seen this before, it is VERY rare. we have a receptor/enzyme deficiency that may or may not be treatable with icsi. i'm emotionally drained and do not know if we can even pursue another ivf cycle, not to mention that we don't have any more money for one?