ok, i hope not a lot of people read this, but i need to put down a few thoughts before i forget (or go crazy). first of all, i'm angry. i don't know why i have to be so punished. doing ivf was my last hope and now that's all thrown away. i'm angry with the people that always said to me, "relax, it will happen when it's supposed to." what do they know? i'm sad for dr. richards. i could tell he feels like he failed me. i wish more people could understand. no one will ever understand. i'm alone. i am lucky in one aspect...my husband is amazing. he has not, for one day, not been on my side. he understands. and i love him for that. this trial has not been nearly as hard just because he is there. i cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that we will never, in a million years, be able to conceive a baby by ourselves. why? didn't heavenly father create our bodies to do this? isn't this my divine calling on earth? isn't this what the proclamation to the family is all about? i'm so confused. as much as i know about science and advanced medicine, why on earth can't they KNOW, with certainty, what the problem is? where do we go from here?
for those that do want to know what's going on:
cameron and i did ivf this month and we just found out today (after many ups and downs during the cycle) that NONE of our nine eggs fertilized. yes, cameron's sperm is perfect.. yes, my eggs were all mature, yet we have NOTHING. it seems that the drs are somewhat baffled, although, they have seen this before, it is VERY rare. we have a receptor/enzyme deficiency that may or may not be treatable with icsi. i'm emotionally drained and do not know if we can even pursue another ivf cycle, not to mention that we don't have any more money for one?
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Hi, Ash! I'm so sorry. It sucks, it really does. Let me know if you ever want to talk.
ReplyDeleteAshley- I'm so sorry. You're right...I cannot even begin to understand. You are not alone though. My sister was never able to have kids. My other sister just adopted a baby boy because she can't have anymore. And it took them 3.5 years to even be able to adopt due to being turned down because of her health. I'm not suggesting that adoption is the route you should go cuz I have no idea, but it is an option. I am sorry that you're having to struggle with this. I just read your previous post "joy" and how sure you sounded about becoming a mother. I believe that as well. I don't know how or when or in what form, but someday Ash, you are going to be a phenomenal mother. I think back often to our days in Hawaii and how we became such fast friends- I have always thought so highly of you and know that you will get through this somehow. I love ya!
ReplyDeleteOh, Ashley my heart and stomach hurt for you. (sorry if that's weird to say my stomach, but that is were my pain hits deep in my stomach) I am thinking of you and I wish that this wasn't so hard. I don't have the answer to make this any easier because frankly I don't think there are any. I can tell you that Heavenly Father has a plan for you and you will be a mother one day, but you know that and it doesn't really make the pain go away. At least not right now. Just know that I have a small idea of what you are feeling and you can vent to me all you want. Thank you for sharing, I have been thinking of you and wondering what has been going on. I'm sorry!
ReplyDeleteAshley, I know most don't know where you are coming from but I work with so many couples who know where you are coming from and there are great forums and support groups that are set up for this reason if you are interested in any of this please let me know and I will gladly pass it on. agenev@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteashley, this is alex dunn, you probably don't remember me but i was a cheerleader with you in high school. so i hope that i'm not freaking you out too bad but, i was doing some blog stalking and came across this blog. i was diagnosed with PCOS about three years ago and my husband and i have been trying to get pregnant for awhile and we are starting to do some treatments.
ReplyDeletethe reason why i'm commenting on this post is because i have felt everything that you have said in this post. i'm so grateful for you and that you had the strength to start this blog because i feel like in our culture no one really talks about it. it feels like it is so easy for everyone else and no one will tell you that they have had problems. if i hear one more of my friends tell me that they got pregnant the first time they tried i think i'm going to punch them out.
but seriously, thank you. and congrats on getting pregnant.