.off we go.

we're off to los angeles today. my mom and i are driving out, with a small stop in st. george and then cameron and my dad will be flying out friday after work. i'm super excited to go to disneyland and price is right and hopefully all the ivf stuff will go as planned.

as for my appt yesterday with lindsey (who i absolutely love).. everything looks a lot better this time, than at this point in the game last cycle. i have 15 follicles and about 12 are the same size.. so we can hope to expect about 10-12 follicles. my e2 was 261, at this time last cycle it was only 123. so i'm happy.

i just want to tell cameron i'll miss him til friday. can't wait to make some babies this weekend.

.all clear.

well bloodwork and ultrascan both indicated that we're all clear to start stimulation injections tomorrow night. it's great news. you can never predict whether your body will respond appropriately to all the "over-riding" that ivf protocols do to you. i'm grateful that my little ovaries are perfect and so is my little old uterus. last cycle i had 9 antral follicles and we retrieved 9 mature eggs. this time i had 11 antral follicles, so we're hoping for 10 or more mature eggs in LA. as for the protocol we're using this time...it's the same as last cycle.. 75 menopur, 225 bravelle, and 5 units lupron. it's so exciting and a little nerve racking. so far, so good. hopefully icsi will work and we'll get good fert rates.

.phase I.

i think that i am lucky. i'm sure most girls that try ivf go on mad horomone mood swings. i'm blessed, i really don't have much of that (well, i guess you could ask cameron if that's true). i think the worst part is the birth control. so i'm happy to report that i finished that on thursday. i should be expecting a wonderful red flow here tomorrow. it should be right on time. if so, i'll be having my baseline scan (love the wand) and bloodwork. i'm getting really anxious to see how this cycle will pan out. i think i'm definately more hopeful and more calm about this one. it feels good. so maybe in 3 weeks we can have some of these:

and an update on what i think is wrong with us: this has not been diagnosed, but from my research i believe that cameron's swimmers have anti-sperm antibodies on them (mostly on the heads), thus preventing the sperm from binding to an egg. when the dr explained that we have a "receptor" problem, i think he meant this. i'm not going to push for an actual diagnosis, because at least we know that whatever the problem is, we have found it and have a way around it. thank goodness.

.let's talk about shots.

so with ivf you have to do tons of shots..big surprise, right? well, i have yet again, began doing these shots and after a whole cycle last month of doing this you would think i'd be "used" to it... nope. last night (my first one) i sat with the needle facing my belly for about 3 minutes before i got up the courage to stab it in. i can't believe how easy it is to do to other people..like my patients, but when it comes to me..i'm a baby. i'm not complaining at all, and don't need sympathy, it's just a realization to me, that maybe my patients hate it too. i'm excited to go to my baseline ultrasound next week...hopefully i'll have lots of follicles!

.here we go again.

okay, so since everyone kinda knows that we had one failed ivf cycle...i thought i'd be a little more open about this one and can document how things go. so we're going to los angeles to have our 2nd attempt at ivf with dr. marrs. i just really love him and didn't want to go to another dr here in salt lake, and i know his office is SO successful and he already knows why the 1st one didn't work. anyway, we're leaving on November 10th and will be coming home November 19th. i think i'm going to post a tentative cycle schedule here, just to keep track for myself...and if you're reading this and having ivf struggles, we can talk about it...

10/13 start birth control
10/23 start lupron injections 10 units
10/29 stop birth control
11/1 begin period (hopefully)
11/2 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork (i only had 9 antral follicles for our last failed
cycle, this time i have 12+..so that's promising)
11/4 start stimulation injections.. Bravell 225 units :: Menopur 75 units; drop lupron to 5
11/9 ultrasound and bloodwork monitoring
11/12 first appt with dr. marrs in california, ultrasound and bloodwork
11/16 tentative egg retrieval
11/18 tentative embryo transfer
11/30 first beta

.the 5 stages of finding out you're not pregnant..again.

This is just about the truest and funniest blog entry I've ever read and it truly is like the 5 stages of grieving.: http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/2009/09/885-five-stages-of-finding-out-youre.html

Similar to the five stages of death/grieving, when you find out you're not pregnant you find yourself going through a similar state of mind.

Stage one: Denial. No, this can't be my period. It looks too light. It could still be implantation bleeding. The blood on the tampon looks too brown. I'll just wait until the end of the day to take a pregnancy test. If the pregnancy test is negative, it could mean that I tested too early. I don't have cramps this month and it doesn't "feel" like my period. I could still be pregnant.

Stage two: Anger. Well, I'm not pregnant again! Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever get pregnant? I hate all those pregnant women on Facebook. Why do they keep posting pictures of their belly's? Who wants to see pictures of their babies anyways? There are pregnant women everywhere. How do they get pregnant so easily? Must be nice to be so fertile.

Stage three: Bargaining. Please God. Give me a child. I will do anything. I promise I will lose weight and eat healthy if I can just get pregnant next month. Sperms - please implant. Just swim upstream as fast as you can. Follicles - please grow and multiply. I promise not to drink coke tomorrow and I'll be the best mother ever. Doctor - please don't cancel my cycle, I'm okay with having 8 babies.

Stage four: Depression. WHY ME??? I feel like my heart is going to ache forever and my eyes hurt from crying so much. There is a lump in my chest. I am going to sleep all day in bed because what's the point of getting up anyway? Why is the pregnancy test always negative? How come everyone else can get pregnant but me? I feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand how awful it feels. (even though my hubby does, he's been great)

Stage five: Acceptance. Well. I guess it's really my period. I guess that negative pregnancy test really is correct. I'm not pregnant this month. I know it seemed like it was implantation spotting but it's really my period. Time to tell my spouse that I'm not pregnant.You might think finding out you're not pregnant again is bad but don't expect sympathy from the dying man beside you. He's got his own problems.

is anyone else out there laughing... i am, only because its all TOO true..

.why.

ok, i hope not a lot of people read this, but i need to put down a few thoughts before i forget (or go crazy). first of all, i'm angry. i don't know why i have to be so punished. doing ivf was my last hope and now that's all thrown away. i'm angry with the people that always said to me, "relax, it will happen when it's supposed to." what do they know? i'm sad for dr. richards. i could tell he feels like he failed me. i wish more people could understand. no one will ever understand. i'm alone. i am lucky in one aspect...my husband is amazing. he has not, for one day, not been on my side. he understands. and i love him for that. this trial has not been nearly as hard just because he is there. i cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that we will never, in a million years, be able to conceive a baby by ourselves. why? didn't heavenly father create our bodies to do this? isn't this my divine calling on earth? isn't this what the proclamation to the family is all about? i'm so confused. as much as i know about science and advanced medicine, why on earth can't they KNOW, with certainty, what the problem is? where do we go from here?

for those that do want to know what's going on:
cameron and i did ivf this month and we just found out today (after many ups and downs during the cycle) that NONE of our nine eggs fertilized. yes, cameron's sperm is perfect.. yes, my eggs were all mature, yet we have NOTHING. it seems that the drs are somewhat baffled, although, they have seen this before, it is VERY rare. we have a receptor/enzyme deficiency that may or may not be treatable with icsi. i'm emotionally drained and do not know if we can even pursue another ivf cycle, not to mention that we don't have any more money for one?