.why.

ok, i hope not a lot of people read this, but i need to put down a few thoughts before i forget (or go crazy). first of all, i'm angry. i don't know why i have to be so punished. doing ivf was my last hope and now that's all thrown away. i'm angry with the people that always said to me, "relax, it will happen when it's supposed to." what do they know? i'm sad for dr. richards. i could tell he feels like he failed me. i wish more people could understand. no one will ever understand. i'm alone. i am lucky in one aspect...my husband is amazing. he has not, for one day, not been on my side. he understands. and i love him for that. this trial has not been nearly as hard just because he is there. i cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that we will never, in a million years, be able to conceive a baby by ourselves. why? didn't heavenly father create our bodies to do this? isn't this my divine calling on earth? isn't this what the proclamation to the family is all about? i'm so confused. as much as i know about science and advanced medicine, why on earth can't they KNOW, with certainty, what the problem is? where do we go from here?

for those that do want to know what's going on:
cameron and i did ivf this month and we just found out today (after many ups and downs during the cycle) that NONE of our nine eggs fertilized. yes, cameron's sperm is perfect.. yes, my eggs were all mature, yet we have NOTHING. it seems that the drs are somewhat baffled, although, they have seen this before, it is VERY rare. we have a receptor/enzyme deficiency that may or may not be treatable with icsi. i'm emotionally drained and do not know if we can even pursue another ivf cycle, not to mention that we don't have any more money for one?

.joy.

these past few months have been the months of confusion for cameron and i. we have been dealing with the infamous decision of ivf vs. adoption vs. just waiting. needless to say, it has been torture. it's such a hard choice because it involves so much emotion and obviously money. we have had a hard time feeling like there is ONE right choice and we are lost as to what heavenly father wants us to do. as we fast and pray for answers, we are empowered by the fact that heavenly father doesn't want us to be sad. i had a eye-opening lesson in RS today, it was on joy. the lesson focused on having joy despite our trials and tribulations. as it seems SO hard to find joy in anything when you've been faced with the ugliness of infertility, i'm stregthened by the fact that i have so much to be thankful for, such as, my husband (he is my rock), the best family, great friends, and most importantly my heavenly father, who truly has a plan of happiness tailored just for me. i may find it hard to feel happy every day, but i know that i am so blessed to have what i do have. i know i will be a mother. i just don't know how or when. but i will. thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

.nothin' better.

well, as y'all know, we are taking a break from the stress of trying to get me knocked up. not that we're not "trying," we're just not as scheduled as we were when i was taking all those meds. i feel a little weird since my body was used to those, but i'm getting back to normal. we are off to go backpacking this weekend and i'm excited to get away and spend some quality time with the hubs. all i can say, is there is nothin' better than a break.

.plan b.

well, i know it has been awhile since i posted, but i think we have finally made a decision to go with a "plan b." maybe i'm "untraditional" but i did not like the way my dr was going about our treatment, so i asked around and got some great advice. so i called a new dr..his name is dr. richards and he works with a guy named dr. marrs. together, these two have the BEST success rates for ivf in the nation. they solve some of the toughest infertility problems around the country. i thought, well, i'll call and see if they do less aggressive tx other than ivf. i left a message for dr. richards (who is actually a PhD reproductive scientist, not an md) and he returned my call in less than 4 hours. now, his office is in american fork, so going to an appt down there before i knew what our plans were was out of the question. oh, no big deal. dr richards spent an hour and half with me on the phone answering ALL my hard questions..and at the end, even gave me his cell phone number in case i thought of more questions after he hung up. basically, he told me that the success rates of couples trying for over one year have a less than 5% chance each month of conceiving on their own.. not impossible, but definately, not fabulous odds. secondly, he said i could possibly have a problem with horomone receptors at the end of my tubes (fimbria) that may not even pick up my egg, even though i ovulate one (or 4, ha ha) each cycle. meaning, we'd never conceive without ivf. obviously this cannot be diagnosed with any test, so you just trouble-shoot til you've had it and resort to ivf anyway.
so you're wondering what the plan is. since we did not plan to pay $15,000 to conceive a baby, we are not going to jump on the ivf wagon just yet, but we are planning on doing that at the first of 2010. until then, i'm going off all my medication (except parlodel) and if it happens before then, great. if not, we have a great dr who i know can help us. he said our chances are fabulous considering our ages and our health.
just to give you a look into their success rates. for the 11 april ivf cycles they performed, 8 of those got pregnant. the three that did not, were over age 35. so that's way over 50%. i'm feeling relieved that there is hope. i'm not devastated in waiting til january like i thought i'd be. i just keep thinking how much better that + pregnancy test will be after waiting so long.
thanks everyone, for being concerned. i'm finally realizing that this is part of who i am, and not what i am, a broken human.

.so sad.

well, went to the dr monday...and lo and behold...he wants to continue on the path that we've started and not change anything up. he does not feel my ridiculous spotting is any sort of a problem. what planet is he from? its not normal. anyway, the parlodel (bromocriptine) lengthened my luteal phase a whopping 4 days! i guess that's one thing to be thankful for. so just to sum up last cycle...i started spotting on april 26..my period didn't start til may 4...and now i'm done. started clomid last night...100 mg. let's just add up what i'm taking to make everyone out there feel better because they don't have to take 27 pills a day.
1- pre-natal side effect: nausea
2- clomid side effect: mood swings and hot flashes
3- parlodel side effect: whoa, dizzy (i even fell on my butt the other day)
4- vitamin b6
5- baby aspirin

and that's why i've felt so crappy lately. i think the dizziness is the worst. even as i type now, the room is going in a counter-clockwise circle and the letters are smearing together. oh, the things you do to get to those sleepless nights with a baby.

other thoughts. i have finally given into the idea that i do not have ANY control over our infertility issue. when i first started this blog, i felt like i had all the keys to fix this...knowledge, a good dr, meds that i respond to, and a fab hubby. little did i know, that even when everything is "timed perfectly" you still might not get pregnant. the last few months (mostly april) were spent in my bed feeling sorry for myself.

those days are over (well, i'm sure i'll feel that way some days...like when i start my period). i have realized that i have NO control and all i can do is what the dr tells me to and the rest is up to my heavenly father. i'm going to enjoy my summer doing things that you can't do pregnant..and not worry too much about it. its SO much harder to do than to say, but i'm so sick of being depressed about something i can't change. i'm so sad...and i'll still have that sadness deep down, but i need to be there for cameron to make our summer fun. this is such a sob-fest. anyway. i never thought i'd have to survive such heart ache...and most people can't relate, but i'm ok. really. i'm looking up.

.spotting, wonderful spotting.

yesterday i went in to have the wonderful lab-lady poke a lovely 14 guage needle into my very sensitive little anticub... gotta love blood work. anyway, my progesterone was 18, suggesting that i had a "great" ovulation...and my prolactin is down to 22...within normal range, from what the nurse said. good news, i guess..but i'm still spotting...just like i always do 7 days after i ovulate...i swear that's NOT NORMAL.

let me just discuss why i hate that i always spot...not because its annoying and abnormal...but EVERY time i get that call from the nurse with the progesterone results she says, "yeah, looks like this month could be it!" then i proceed to tell her....but i'm spotting...like i always do, looks the same, feels the same. and she ALWAYS comes back with.. "yeah, spotting can be a sign of implantation at 7 dpo." ha. lady, NOT with me..it's always the precursor to my more dreaded red-cloaked friend. i don't say that...i just laugh it off like she knows what she is talking about. i mean who really gets implantation spotting? like 2% of women? most people just "miss their periods," why not me?

at least this time the nurse said that we may need to discuss this further with the dr. wahoo, finally we're getting somewhere. the dr finally asked me and cam to come in for another consultation to discuss further testing to find answers as to why i always spot, but continue to have high temperatures and high progesterone. one reason (one that i feel has already been ruled out) is uterine polyps, and the other is endometriosis...the dreadful diagnosis. i love my body...it is such a wonderland of mystery.

so next monday..maybe we'll have a better game plan. i'm about done with clomid...it's just not changing anything!

.thoughts.

first off.
the side effects from the parlodel are pretty ridiculous. i started taking it last saturday and i'm just now "getting used" to it. mostly i just get really nauseated at night and have dizzy spells throughout the day. not fun, but tolerable. they say the side effects will subside as my body acclimates to the drug. we'll see.
second.
i went back to my dr to have a follicle scan (ultrasound) and, man, i just love when they shove that long stick up places it just shouldn't go. ha ha. anyway. news to me, i had ZERO follicles on the left...and 4 huge ones on the right. dr instructed us to go home now and have some fun..as if you can even call it that anymore. i hate this timing thing...miss the spontaneity. i guess that's good news. he also said my uterine lining was "great," whatever that means. so everything seems to be in proper working order. we are now officially in the 2 week waiting period. i go back to have my progesterone and prolactin drawn next week. and the saga continues.
thanks for listening.