.here we go again.

okay, so since everyone kinda knows that we had one failed ivf cycle...i thought i'd be a little more open about this one and can document how things go. so we're going to los angeles to have our 2nd attempt at ivf with dr. marrs. i just really love him and didn't want to go to another dr here in salt lake, and i know his office is SO successful and he already knows why the 1st one didn't work. anyway, we're leaving on November 10th and will be coming home November 19th. i think i'm going to post a tentative cycle schedule here, just to keep track for myself...and if you're reading this and having ivf struggles, we can talk about it...

10/13 start birth control
10/23 start lupron injections 10 units
10/29 stop birth control
11/1 begin period (hopefully)
11/2 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork (i only had 9 antral follicles for our last failed
cycle, this time i have 12+..so that's promising)
11/4 start stimulation injections.. Bravell 225 units :: Menopur 75 units; drop lupron to 5
11/9 ultrasound and bloodwork monitoring
11/12 first appt with dr. marrs in california, ultrasound and bloodwork
11/16 tentative egg retrieval
11/18 tentative embryo transfer
11/30 first beta

.the 5 stages of finding out you're not pregnant..again.

This is just about the truest and funniest blog entry I've ever read and it truly is like the 5 stages of grieving.: http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/2009/09/885-five-stages-of-finding-out-youre.html

Similar to the five stages of death/grieving, when you find out you're not pregnant you find yourself going through a similar state of mind.

Stage one: Denial. No, this can't be my period. It looks too light. It could still be implantation bleeding. The blood on the tampon looks too brown. I'll just wait until the end of the day to take a pregnancy test. If the pregnancy test is negative, it could mean that I tested too early. I don't have cramps this month and it doesn't "feel" like my period. I could still be pregnant.

Stage two: Anger. Well, I'm not pregnant again! Why does this keep happening to me? Will I ever get pregnant? I hate all those pregnant women on Facebook. Why do they keep posting pictures of their belly's? Who wants to see pictures of their babies anyways? There are pregnant women everywhere. How do they get pregnant so easily? Must be nice to be so fertile.

Stage three: Bargaining. Please God. Give me a child. I will do anything. I promise I will lose weight and eat healthy if I can just get pregnant next month. Sperms - please implant. Just swim upstream as fast as you can. Follicles - please grow and multiply. I promise not to drink coke tomorrow and I'll be the best mother ever. Doctor - please don't cancel my cycle, I'm okay with having 8 babies.

Stage four: Depression. WHY ME??? I feel like my heart is going to ache forever and my eyes hurt from crying so much. There is a lump in my chest. I am going to sleep all day in bed because what's the point of getting up anyway? Why is the pregnancy test always negative? How come everyone else can get pregnant but me? I feel so alone. My husband doesn't understand how awful it feels. (even though my hubby does, he's been great)

Stage five: Acceptance. Well. I guess it's really my period. I guess that negative pregnancy test really is correct. I'm not pregnant this month. I know it seemed like it was implantation spotting but it's really my period. Time to tell my spouse that I'm not pregnant.You might think finding out you're not pregnant again is bad but don't expect sympathy from the dying man beside you. He's got his own problems.

is anyone else out there laughing... i am, only because its all TOO true..

.why.

ok, i hope not a lot of people read this, but i need to put down a few thoughts before i forget (or go crazy). first of all, i'm angry. i don't know why i have to be so punished. doing ivf was my last hope and now that's all thrown away. i'm angry with the people that always said to me, "relax, it will happen when it's supposed to." what do they know? i'm sad for dr. richards. i could tell he feels like he failed me. i wish more people could understand. no one will ever understand. i'm alone. i am lucky in one aspect...my husband is amazing. he has not, for one day, not been on my side. he understands. and i love him for that. this trial has not been nearly as hard just because he is there. i cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that we will never, in a million years, be able to conceive a baby by ourselves. why? didn't heavenly father create our bodies to do this? isn't this my divine calling on earth? isn't this what the proclamation to the family is all about? i'm so confused. as much as i know about science and advanced medicine, why on earth can't they KNOW, with certainty, what the problem is? where do we go from here?

for those that do want to know what's going on:
cameron and i did ivf this month and we just found out today (after many ups and downs during the cycle) that NONE of our nine eggs fertilized. yes, cameron's sperm is perfect.. yes, my eggs were all mature, yet we have NOTHING. it seems that the drs are somewhat baffled, although, they have seen this before, it is VERY rare. we have a receptor/enzyme deficiency that may or may not be treatable with icsi. i'm emotionally drained and do not know if we can even pursue another ivf cycle, not to mention that we don't have any more money for one?

.joy.

these past few months have been the months of confusion for cameron and i. we have been dealing with the infamous decision of ivf vs. adoption vs. just waiting. needless to say, it has been torture. it's such a hard choice because it involves so much emotion and obviously money. we have had a hard time feeling like there is ONE right choice and we are lost as to what heavenly father wants us to do. as we fast and pray for answers, we are empowered by the fact that heavenly father doesn't want us to be sad. i had a eye-opening lesson in RS today, it was on joy. the lesson focused on having joy despite our trials and tribulations. as it seems SO hard to find joy in anything when you've been faced with the ugliness of infertility, i'm stregthened by the fact that i have so much to be thankful for, such as, my husband (he is my rock), the best family, great friends, and most importantly my heavenly father, who truly has a plan of happiness tailored just for me. i may find it hard to feel happy every day, but i know that i am so blessed to have what i do have. i know i will be a mother. i just don't know how or when. but i will. thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

.nothin' better.

well, as y'all know, we are taking a break from the stress of trying to get me knocked up. not that we're not "trying," we're just not as scheduled as we were when i was taking all those meds. i feel a little weird since my body was used to those, but i'm getting back to normal. we are off to go backpacking this weekend and i'm excited to get away and spend some quality time with the hubs. all i can say, is there is nothin' better than a break.

.plan b.

well, i know it has been awhile since i posted, but i think we have finally made a decision to go with a "plan b." maybe i'm "untraditional" but i did not like the way my dr was going about our treatment, so i asked around and got some great advice. so i called a new dr..his name is dr. richards and he works with a guy named dr. marrs. together, these two have the BEST success rates for ivf in the nation. they solve some of the toughest infertility problems around the country. i thought, well, i'll call and see if they do less aggressive tx other than ivf. i left a message for dr. richards (who is actually a PhD reproductive scientist, not an md) and he returned my call in less than 4 hours. now, his office is in american fork, so going to an appt down there before i knew what our plans were was out of the question. oh, no big deal. dr richards spent an hour and half with me on the phone answering ALL my hard questions..and at the end, even gave me his cell phone number in case i thought of more questions after he hung up. basically, he told me that the success rates of couples trying for over one year have a less than 5% chance each month of conceiving on their own.. not impossible, but definately, not fabulous odds. secondly, he said i could possibly have a problem with horomone receptors at the end of my tubes (fimbria) that may not even pick up my egg, even though i ovulate one (or 4, ha ha) each cycle. meaning, we'd never conceive without ivf. obviously this cannot be diagnosed with any test, so you just trouble-shoot til you've had it and resort to ivf anyway.
so you're wondering what the plan is. since we did not plan to pay $15,000 to conceive a baby, we are not going to jump on the ivf wagon just yet, but we are planning on doing that at the first of 2010. until then, i'm going off all my medication (except parlodel) and if it happens before then, great. if not, we have a great dr who i know can help us. he said our chances are fabulous considering our ages and our health.
just to give you a look into their success rates. for the 11 april ivf cycles they performed, 8 of those got pregnant. the three that did not, were over age 35. so that's way over 50%. i'm feeling relieved that there is hope. i'm not devastated in waiting til january like i thought i'd be. i just keep thinking how much better that + pregnancy test will be after waiting so long.
thanks everyone, for being concerned. i'm finally realizing that this is part of who i am, and not what i am, a broken human.

.so sad.

well, went to the dr monday...and lo and behold...he wants to continue on the path that we've started and not change anything up. he does not feel my ridiculous spotting is any sort of a problem. what planet is he from? its not normal. anyway, the parlodel (bromocriptine) lengthened my luteal phase a whopping 4 days! i guess that's one thing to be thankful for. so just to sum up last cycle...i started spotting on april 26..my period didn't start til may 4...and now i'm done. started clomid last night...100 mg. let's just add up what i'm taking to make everyone out there feel better because they don't have to take 27 pills a day.
1- pre-natal side effect: nausea
2- clomid side effect: mood swings and hot flashes
3- parlodel side effect: whoa, dizzy (i even fell on my butt the other day)
4- vitamin b6
5- baby aspirin

and that's why i've felt so crappy lately. i think the dizziness is the worst. even as i type now, the room is going in a counter-clockwise circle and the letters are smearing together. oh, the things you do to get to those sleepless nights with a baby.

other thoughts. i have finally given into the idea that i do not have ANY control over our infertility issue. when i first started this blog, i felt like i had all the keys to fix this...knowledge, a good dr, meds that i respond to, and a fab hubby. little did i know, that even when everything is "timed perfectly" you still might not get pregnant. the last few months (mostly april) were spent in my bed feeling sorry for myself.

those days are over (well, i'm sure i'll feel that way some days...like when i start my period). i have realized that i have NO control and all i can do is what the dr tells me to and the rest is up to my heavenly father. i'm going to enjoy my summer doing things that you can't do pregnant..and not worry too much about it. its SO much harder to do than to say, but i'm so sick of being depressed about something i can't change. i'm so sad...and i'll still have that sadness deep down, but i need to be there for cameron to make our summer fun. this is such a sob-fest. anyway. i never thought i'd have to survive such heart ache...and most people can't relate, but i'm ok. really. i'm looking up.